URSELAPATCH

last night i stood breathless in my white jersey with everything orange and loud and crazy around me and watched the scoreboard timer creep towards zero. and then the ball was streaming away towards the other end of the floor under another girls hand and i sprinted after it, legs burning, breath coming short, and together we leaped into the air and then she was on the ground crying and i was standing over her panicking and the referee shoving me backwards with the palm of his hand in my stomach. megan says do i know im deathly pale and i feel like crying throwing up running out of the gym and everyone saying its not my fault but sure its my fault and the other girl on the ground crying jesus christ. and the worst part is when you have to finish out the game that way because everyone is fouled out but you dont want to play anymore because its not a game anymore. and the best part is when you finally get the chance to talk to the girl after the game and she is okay and not angry and everything will be okay, okay. and in that state of reassurance all of a sudden everything spiralled upwards and the lost game was forgotten in the face of friends home from college, dinner at moes, watching the next game, going home and sleeping for what felt like the first time in weeks and staying in bed until one o'clock this afternoon. i think things will slow down next semester and maybe then i will actually get to take people up on offers to hang out, i will actually sleep, i will stop worrying about how to get everything done in time, i will stop filling out college applications, i will be getting closer and closer to graduation and i wont have three basketball games every week to torment my body with bruises (some of them in places i could never show you). and thats how its going.